Seven Years Sick

It’s coming up to the end of the year, and I’ve been slow at posting because Xmas ate all my spoons. I wrapped presents, sent cards, tidied up, bought fancy food, even made a pavlova – cheat’s method, with a bought base. I also cheated on the cake, since I had pneumonia at the time I usually bake my boiled fruit cake. This year I just bought a cake and have been bathing it in fancy rum.

I haven’t given up, I’ve just been slow – which is the motto of my life, these days.

This year has marked the seventh year that I’ve been sick. There is an urban myth that every cell in your body is replaced on a seven year cycle, so by the end of seven years you are an entirely new person. If this is the case, then I have by now never not been sick.

It’s not actually true, of course, it’s much more complicated than that. Here’s a quick fun overview.

 

Anyway, it is kind of poetic, and in some weird ways I do feel as if I’m seven years old. People do things for me. The Bloke is amazing at doing almost all the housework, and other friends (hmsh especially) drive me places for playdates. Like a child, I am supported, not independent. My contributions to the household labour are small.

The other way that I’m, like, seven, is that I am learning how to do things like clean my teeth and wash my face every day. You might think that’s weird for an adult, but that’s another ME/CFS thing. Your old habits go out the window. You’re too sick, too tired, things lapse, you can’t actually do your old routines. Bounce out of bed, have a shower, bake some muffins, go for a walk, water the garden – this is just not going to happen.

Most people will let things lapse when they’re sick, of course. The difference when you’re chronically ill is that you can’t let them lapse for years.  Or at least, you can’t let all of them lapse for years, and most definitely not the personal hygiene. You have to build new habits that work with your actual capacity.

For most adults, our routines are unthinking. We just do them on autopilot. It’s only when you’re a child that you have to have conscious awareness of what you need to do. My parents had a little mantra for us in the evening: “THTB”, for toilet, hands, teeth, bed. Do all those things in that order. Children need direction, fair enough, but as an adult it’s deeply weird to be building these things again. I feel actually quite proud and pleased that this year I have managed to wash my face almost every morning and clean my teeth almost every night. But also it feels really strange to be proud of such tiny simple ordinary things.

Next year I hope to work on this some more. I’ve got myself mostly clean, next it’s time to go tidy my room and pick up my toys out of the living room.